By now you’ve probably heard about the Miami Dolphins bullying/hazing scandal. People are shocked; shocked I tell ya to learn that is fairly common in NFL locker rooms. Gasp, this has been going for years? The cursing, the sexism, the spanking, and the offensive practical jokes…OMG it must stop now! We must WUSS-A-FY the NFL because one player is too sensitive and we have to conform to PC. From now on I propose having both teams exchange flowers on the 50 yard line before every game. Get rid of all the cheerleaders and replace them with dancing unicorns. No more tackling as that promotes violence and hurt feelings. From now on, when an offensive player is running, the defensive player will have to be polite and say something like “excuse me, but tag you’re it” (if you don’t mind of course). There will be no winners or losers. Each game will end in an honorable tie. No offensive logos or team names like Redskins. Yes, I know 90% of Native Americans don’t have a problem with the name, but we must be sensitive to the 10% that do. For that matter, we should remove “Washington” from the team name because many Americans have unpleasant feelings about the hard working and kind folks who run our fine and upstanding government. Poor, Poor misunderstood government.
Hey Jonathan Martin, could you knit me a new sweater? You lost your man card. If you come back, I’d stay out of the locker room shower. Some ex-cons say broom handles can be very painful.